Feeding & other happenings.

I am a champion pumper! My milk came in a few days after Eli was born, and when things get rough, I secretly tell myself that I'm going to go make eli breakfast/lunch/dinner/and a snack, and it makes me feel like I'm doing something for him. 

It's been good for me, it helps a bit with that helpless feeling. Perhaps it's too much info, but I'm getting about 6 ounces every pump. Not bad for only 2 weeks in! Keeping it up is the hard part. It's not easy, this pumping ordeal. I lasted a month with Lucas so I'm halfway there and in hopes to do it longer :) I can't have the physical bond of breast feeding with Eli so pumping makes me feel like its the best I can do until we're able to touch. And I'm in desperate need of that these days. Getting closer. 

But so far away. 

They gave him his first feed today. Such a huge step in this process. He's not been fed in 14 days! Can you imagine? Technically he's been getting nutrients through TPN but actual milk/formula gets held off in most hypoplastic cases according to one of the docs here. It was just so sad to know our baby couldn't eat. 

His nurse stopped the constant pain drip this morning and only gives him a dose when he's showing signs of pain. Otherwise, he wiggles his toes and occasionally opens his eyes and looks around, but for the most part, he's still sleeping. They put casts on his hands to get his fingers unclenched. They haven't gotten stretched out much so these casts will help his little fingers get some tone and strength back! He's definitely working those casts. His arms are flailing all over the place. It's kinda funny. 

Moving him off the ventilator is on the agenda for tomorrow...although they keep telling us that it's all on his schedule. Once he's off the ventilator, things will hopefully go really fast in his recovery.  

Todays happenings make me smile. It's the little things now...

Chest closing

He's out!

He's still sedated, but no more open chest! He's got a couple of bandages and still has a bunch of tubes (one most importantly for drainage), but he looks great!

Thank you God.

So most of the day my brain runs around in a million different ways. From my next assignment in my summer class to 5 years from now when I'm pulling Lucas off his little brother in fear he may break his little heart. I know. It's a crazy way to think but that leads me to this post. 

I am a mother of 2! Two beautiful boys at that. I have not had the easiest road but I can't say it's been horrible either. Every fight and every trial has gotten us to where we are today. Many messages I've received and posts I've gotten have sort of the same pattern. "I envy your strength and couldn't imagine what you are going through!" More of you have expressed how you admire my courage and will to be strong during this process.

I can't tell you where it comes from. I don't think you can really prepare yourself for something like this. Yes, we knew for 18 weeks before Eli arrived but actually seeing your own child in this setting and in this state is a whole new ball game. I've had my moments. They haven't been too over dramatic. Wheeling Eli into the OR was one of them. Danny was able to console me as we got to the elevator and I was asked to kiss my baby boy goodbye. My other was in the shower the first night Eli was in recovery. Yes it was one of those awful scenes from a drama movie where the woman is on the bathroom floor and the shower is pouring down and she's just bawling. It wasnt one my finer moments but dammit it was a relief. I just cried. I gave everything I had that night to the man above. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I think it was at that point where I answered the above question. I'm by no means religious but when you've got so many praying and pulling for your family you can't help but close your eyes for a few seconds and just say thank you. 

Thank you God. 

Our views (non graphic)

Danny and I agreed to take pics but not show any graphic ones unless family wanted to see. In the meantime these few photos are what consume our minds all day long. Lots of medical devices and meds running through him all day long. I feel like he's a tangled mess waiting to happen. Just so many things going on. The last pic is of Eli today with one of his eyes open after hearing my voice. I couldn't be happier :)

Recovery

Eli is out of surgery and in recovery. We were able to be with him about 3 hours after they came in to let us know he was done. He's stable, but paralyzed and sedated. His chest is still open. We were able to bring ourselves to look at it. Luckily, they keep a blanket over him, and I get to peek at his nose and those tiny, tiny toes. Hoping by Monday they'll start weaning him off all the things he is   hooked into. It all depends on when they take him off the ventilator.

He is just going along with what the machines and medicines tell him to do. It's hard for me to see him like this...on a ventilator, tubes everywhere. It's an emotional time for Danny and I. Very emotional. 

We want to send out one huge thank you for all the prayers and messages. Your continuing support has been amazing and we appreciate all of you. Please keep praying. We have a long road ahead and the next 48 hours are very critical. 

Surgery 1/3: Norwood

Of course I'm up. Who sleeps in on the morning of their sons surgery. Besides Danny :) which is ok with me because I've turned info a real cry baby since 5:45am. It was like 5 months of emotion all at once hit me when I woke up to pump. I didn't even get a chance to wipe the crap from my eyes. The tears did that for me. Probably the most emotional I have gotten since we found out about baby Eli and his hypoplastic diagnosis. 

They are prepping him now. One last bath was given late last night which I stayed up for then slowly passed out once his whimpers faded out. I just couldn't get myself to let them disappear from my ears. So here we are. The day of Eli's first of 3 surgeries. A day we have been praying about, blogging about, fundraising for, and as parents, dreading. We know he needs this but deep down, secretly hoping it was all still a dream. That our little boy was ok. Someone made a mistake and will at any moment pop out and say he's OK! Right? Anyone, at anytime...no? Ok fine. I tried. 

I will update at the bottom of this page as the day goes along. So here we go...

6:25. Last minute assessments from the RN's 

7:30 Wheeled him into OR. We are in a private waiting room. 

9:25 Incision made. All lines in and good. 

10:10 sewing on shunt 

11:30 Bypass has taken over

1:00 his body is cooled down to 18 degrees Celsius So they can do the repair

2:15 working on aorta 

3:45 body is back to warming up. Finishing some stuff with his shunt. Should be off bypass soon. 

5:10 off bypass! Checking for bleeding. 

6:10 having some bleeding issues but not too serious. 

7:00 Eli is out of surgery. Chest will remain open for a few days. Swelling and bleeding but all is good. We will probably be able to see him around 8-9pm.

Just pray...

The doctors say that Eli has handled everything wonderfully, as best as they could have expected or wanted to this point. Of course, I still feel like we're walking on tiptoes and that at any moment, it could all fall apart, but we're holding on to the little baby steps he's making. That's all we can ask, and really, all we can do.

As for us, I think we're holding up okay. I sometimes forget that I just gave birth a week ago, and that on top of it all, I'm a ball of hormones. 

Danny has been incredible. I don't think I would have survived any of this without him. Our families and friends have all been so incredibly supportive, and knowing you're all out there pulling for our little boy, a boy many of you have never met from a mama you've never met, amazes me. It's all such a source of strength and energy for us. For that, we thank you. 

Right now, though, our bodies are a mixture of sheer exhaustion and adrenaline, and it's hard sometimes to figure out which one should win out. We're going to need all this energy when he starts surgery and then comes out, and we really start to become responsible for doing all those parent things again. We can't wait.

So I ask that before you go to bed Thursday night that you pray. Pray for our sweet little man. Pray for love, strength and hope. Pray that God chooses to give this little boy life. A life of everlasting love.

Xoxo  

All of me.

Afraid to love something that could break

Could I move on if you were torn away?

I’m so close to what I can’t control

Can’t give you half my heart and pray He makes you whole

You’re gonna have all of me

You’re gonna have all of me

You’re worth every falling tear

You’re worth facing any fear

You’re gonna know all my love

Even if it’s not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts

But giving you all of me is where I’ll start

I won’t let sadness steal you from my arms

I won’t let pain keep you from my heart

I’ll trade the fear of all that I could lose

For every moment I’ll share with you

You’re gonna have all of me

You’re gonna have all of me

You’re worth every falling tear

You’re worth facing any fear

You’re gonna know all my love

Even if it’s not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts

But giving you all of me is where I’ll start

Heaven brought you to this moment

It’s too wonderful to speak

You’re worth all of me

You’re worth all of me

Let me recklessly love you

Even if I bleed

You’re worth all of me

You’re worth all of me

-"All of Me", Matt Hammitt 

Brothers❤

Lucas was able to visit with Eli in the NICU on Wednesday. No need to go into details. The pictures speak for themselves. As for me. My heart is whole. I couldn't be more proud of big brother and how he handled seeing baby brother up close and in this crazy environment. So precious. 

7-16-2013 ELI JAMES

I spent 10 days in the hospital! Thats enough said...I don't need to give details on that ridiculous stay lol 

Early Tuesday morning I had an NST & BPP for Eli. As usual I went through the routine. Woke up, ate, spent some time with Lucas once he arrived with Debi and Danny! I had wanted to use the restroom before I headed down for my appointment. I noticed some leaking but didn't speak up just yet. I wanted to get through this BPP first. Since Eli wasn't doing well on them anyways I just decided to hold off on telling them. As usual, the BPP was abnormal. Eli got one movement and needed three in 30m. He passed the breathing portion. Score was 6/8. To me that's not passing. So is it failing? I started to panic again. The tech said she would call the doc and they would let me know. Now remind you this happened to us the Monday before. They decided to admit me for delivery but took it away in the blink of an eye. Oh yes and to make this more fun, it was the same doc who said NO the week before! I swore this hospital hated me. 

Got back to the room. I was frustrated. An hour passed and no word on the plan. The nurse finally came in and said she spoke to doc and there was no change in delivery plan. One more day!

BE PATIENT KELCIE! That's what I was hearing from my annoyed husband in one ear & a an RN who thought I was just being a baby! I had mentioned in this time about the leaking to the RN. You could tell she didn't believe me. Just another reason this mom wants to be checked and get her baby out right? Yeah. That's what happened. They were in no hurry to check me. The resident had this look like "seriously!? Maybe you just peed on yourself again..." He didn't say that but I could see it on his face. They both left the room to get the testing supplies needed for the amniotic fluid check...

I had to send Danny and Debi and Lucas in the hallway. It was close to 1:00 and Danny was needing to get to work if nothing was going to happen based off the BPP. I used the restroom and then was in process of sending them out on their way...

I came back out and went to sit down on the bed to give Lucas a kiss goodbye...THEN WOOOOSH! Gush #1 came. All over the floor. Gush #2 came as I took another step. Now to some of you this may be gross. To me it was hilarious. I heard this teeny tiny little voice go "EWWWW"! Lucas had just witnessed my water break LOL! Danny saw it too. And pointed. It still makes me laugh! As they were coming back in to test me, the nurse began to laugh and said "now you've made me a believer!" 

Seriously! Like I was lying to begin with! Ugh! Annoying. They collected their samples to clarify and I was put on the monitors to see where Eli was and how the contractions were. After about 20min I was taken up to labor and delivery. 

The contractions were coming. And fast. 2min apart and tolerable. They got me to my room and I labored until 4pm with no meds. I couldn't do it anymore. Epidural was in and it was all crazy from there. 

Eli had a significant dip in his heart rate when I hit 7cm. Oxygen was placed on me and an internal monitor was placed for him. He did not like me on my back so I was placed on my right side for the majority of labor. I went quick. Alot quicker than they expected and definitely a lot quicker than with Lucas. Before we knew it I hit 10! Doc came in and had me push twice to see where I was at with pain and comfort. He left to get sterile and returned. I pushed about 20 more times before Eli was out. They had to use forceps on the last 2 pushes to help ease him out. I had him nestled just right and couldn't get him past my bone. Once he maneuvered a little further, he was here!! 

Immediately put on my chest for what seemed like 5 seconds before he was whisked away. Danny stayed right along side of him the entire time. I was breaking my neck to try and see what was happening. I couldn't see anything. I was being worked on and wasnt able to move much or be moved to see Eli. Once Eli got stable and the vitals were good they brought him to me. I was able to get a few touches, and a picture...

Then he was gone. I got to see my baby for less than 10min on his actual birth day. ONE OF THE hardest things I've had to do. Eli was in the NICU getting worked on and then transported from good sam tocchildren's. They came to take him away. They wheeled him in to see me before they got on the elevator. Danny was able to let Lucas see him through the glass while he was in the NICU at good Sam. Lucas was ecstatic from what they said. He was saying bye baby and loving watching his baby brother through the window. This for me was tough. I was unable to see this but Danny got to experience it so that's ok.

I was taken to my room and told that 4 hours after birth I could go see Eli. SAY WHAT! By the time I got to my room it was close to that 4hr mark. I changed clothes and my mom and aunt took me over. 

Eli was doing well. Danny had been over there for about 2 hours. Keeping me updated and informed on all aspects. I stayed from 12-2:30. Got to hold him and spend a little time. For me, that was the best part. I was able to pump while visiting so when Eli is ready to take my milk supply we have that already stocking up for him. So happy to be able to do that if he's unable to actually have the contact to breast bc of the surgery.

I came back to the hospital and just cried. Happy tears of course. I missed my boys. ALL OF THEM! I finally fell asleep. Today, as I write this I am packing up my hospital bags and heading to children's. 

How long will we be there? When is Eli surgery? I cannot answer this just yet. Stay tuned. Docs will let us know soon! 

So welcome Baby boy! 

Eli James Kleckner

"EJ"

7.10lbs 

20.25inches 

7:35 time of birth. 

We love you❤

A ball of emotion.

At first it seemed like the best idea. Continuous monitoring, no more triage visits, guaranteed care when I feel Eli isn't doing ok. 

And then I hit my 6th day out of the 10 total before Eli arrives. I've managed to get up and pee, eat and shower today. Ive held it together. But...

Today, I'm in a terrible funk. The nurses have taken notice. Constantly asking me what they can do to help me not wanna cry at the opening of the door. Because a little part of me is hoping its my son. To come stay and not leave again. It breaks my heart not being with him. As I manage to wipe the tears from my eyes to finish typing this little update, I can't wait for this to be over. Not the pregnancy part bc that to me is still so very special and eli still needs me to be his lifeline...But the time spent away from the one thing that makes me whole. That's what I want back. 

Eli had a slight decrease in movement today but we got him to perk up towards the end of the monitoring session. I was checked shortly after. No change since Wednesday for me. This to me is very frustrating. I have been contracting for quite some time now and they seem to be doing nothing. Absolutely. Nothing. We're basically waiting on Eli to really show distress, I dilate to active labor or my water breaks. My blood pressure could jump and that could also put us into labor but so far my BPP has been perfect. Almost too perfect. I'm not swollen, anywhere and my appetite hasn't gotten any less. So we're just waiting. And waiting. And waiting. 

4 days left. Induction is for 9:00 pm Wednesday evening. Eli will probably arrive at some point Thursday afternoon into late Thursday evening. ❤

We're closing in.

Even writing this I find tears building up in my eyes. How are we already approaching the due date to our little Eli. I don't know if its really set in we're about to be parents of 2 boys. One who has brought so much love and joy to my life and the other will challenge me in ways I probably didn't know I could be challenged. One to calm me and one to keep me on my toes, right? 

What a crazy few days! Where do I begin...

Tuesday Eli failed his NST. We could not get him to react so I was sent for a 2 hour monitoring in triage. They did not like what they saw. We were admitted and eventually let go the next morning. He was having d-cells with each contraction. At one point 3 nurses rushed in to give me oxygen and flip me around to give Eli a jolt. His heart rate had dipped very low. He came out of it okay but pretty scary stuff. Went home Wednesday and continued my own monitoring. Movements and contractions. Fun! 

Friday I went back for my doc appt and NST. No change in dilation for me, but another failed NST for Eli. Same routine except this time he passed the second set of motoring and we were let go. This one got to me. I cried all the way up to triage. Not exactly sure what was to come but just knew we were getting closer to the tributes of this disorder. It's starting to make sense when all these heart moms tell you about the struggles of the unknown. It's taking its toll on me. 

Later that night I couldn't get Eli to move the 6 times an hour they told me he needed to be moving. I was only getting 4 an hour. I panicked. Called doc and was sent back to triage at 8pm. Monitored for an hour and let go. He looked fine they said. 

So here we are back at home continuing to monitor movements and waiting for contractions to get unbearable before I set foot back in that place. 

Stressed, A little bit. Exhausted, beyond words. Ready to meet Eli safely, you betcha.