I'm exhausted. It's a different exhausted than I was during the pregnancy with Eli's condition. This is a bit more of a rollercoaster. I just want everything to automatically be okay. Well that's not how things work. There are little things we run into and concerns, and I walk around on edge using all that energy watching all the details and asking the doctors and nurses all sorts of questions, just so I know he's okay.
We're doing okay. It's been a long few days. I'm hoping Eli has a turnaround and starts feeling better soon, because those sad eyes, that silent cry and not being able to help him, is really breaking my heart. I just want my little baby to feel better again.
The rounds always leave me exhausted. I don't know if it's the anticipation, the worry, the fear that something's wrong and we'll get wisked right from the CICU into the OR or the ultimate fear that there's something really wrong and they can't do anything about it.
I wish for many things. At the top, I wish for no pain for Eli and in hopes that he just feels love. That's all I can do at this point.
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