Struggles.

The past few days have definitely been trying! I haven't had the energy to sit down and write full posts, but it's been a rollercoaster, a few steps forward-a few steps back. 

I feel so blessed to have been given this child to nurture, given the opportunity to watch him grow and become this little person of his own. Each day is a day for giving thanks; I'm reminded of that constantly, even as we settle into life beyond the surgeries. Grateful for his life, grateful for the donor family, grateful for normalcy, grateful for it all. The unsettled fear of the past year feels, well, in the past, and damn, it feels good. I still take day each day as it comes, still cope with the lingering anxiety of being a heart mama, but it's easier to look forward to his future with hope and excitement.

While all of the above sounds so good and normal. Our lives are far from that. I am torn between the hospital and home. I am away from Danny and Lucas a lot. While I know that in just a few short days. This will all feel so irrelevant, but today I am sad. I hate sneaking by Lucas door in the morning to leave and go be with Eli. I hate that I miss waking up with him or putting him to bed. I miss my son to the extent I can't even be happy when I am with Eli. No mother should be torn between her children. Making one feel less loved or wanted was my biggest fear in all of this. I don't feel like Lucas resents me or is acting out but I feel guilty. All the time. While Danny does an amazing job juggling Lucas, 2 jobs, and the house. I feel less like a mother and a wife to them. I just come and go. So quickly and quietly. I've struggled lately with balancing my time between the boys. I've been very irritable coming down this final stretch of Eli's stay in the hospital. I know 5m plays a huge part in the process but I just feel like I can't catch a moment to just breathe and be okay. While everyone is being so supportive and helpful, I am in total awe of the love and generosity you have given us. The cards, gifts and messages have been overwhelming. We couldn't have gotten this far without all of you. 

Many of you are still asking what you can do to help us. Eli is back to wearing normal clothes. So any you are able to donate would help a lot. He needs sizes 6m and up. 

Gift cards to restaurants. 

Kroger gift cards to buy groceries for the hotel. 

Anything to keep Lucas busy in the hotel. Toys, books, balls, movies. 

Thank you all

Xoxo