Instead.

41 days in the hospital, and counting. I've had a lot of time to think over these past few weeks. A lot of time to think of how life should be going and, instead, it's going like this...

Instead of changing my own babies diaper, I'm watching a complete stranger do it. 

Instead of waking up in my own home, I'm in a volunteer housing program. 

Instead of waking up to the coos and cries of my newborn baby, I wake up to the pitter patter of the child who has cancer just getting his day started in the room above us. 

Instead of walks at the park with my sons, I walk from Ronald McDonald to Childrens, to visit Eli with Lucas. 

Instead of walking around the house to soothe my baby, I'm attached to a post with 3ft of cord I can't unplug and we have to dance in place to make him stop crying. 

Instead of watching my son on a baby monitor through the night, I watch episodes of family guy to make the night pass by until I can wake up to go see him again. 

Instead of the normal things you do as a family with a newborn, we don't do. We haven't done. It's the normal things you miss. What feels natural to you, feels abnormal to Us. Everything's different. It's a way of life you never thought you would have to experience. My highlight of the day comes from the 3 meetings the docs have about each child on the CICU floors. When they get to Eli, a little piece of me lights up, in hopes they are ready to take him to the next level. Little by little, as that conversation goes, that light dims. We remain in the CICU. How much longer? Will we leave? We can't answer any of these. 

Soon, hopefully.