My release.

Some days are tougher than others. They are all starting to squish together actually that when I have a good day, it's hard to recognize. I get so angry at what's supposed to be a very happy time in our life. I enjoy pregnancy. This time, I fear it.

I fear that we will come home empty handed after his first surgery.
I fear that Lucas will never know what its like to have another sibling if Eli doesnt make it.
I fear that as a mother, I have failed to give a normal life for this little boy.

I've heard the question over and over again with each check up. How are YOU feeling? I tell them the same answer over and over again. I have days, Im entitled to that. I just wish it was a dream. Like this is all a huge joke or Karma found me and is making up for all the horrible things I have done in my life. I've always given myself credit for seeing the brighter side of situations. Not this time. I'm beating myself up. I know. I am my own worst enemy.

You can only cry so much right? Like when nobody is looking or you wake up in the morning and your pillow is wet and you know it's not slobber or snot. (Danny would probably agree that its slobber but im certain I cry in my sleep). Its the unknown that gets the best of me. I will be the first to admit it.

Control, hope, and some normalcy til the next doctors visit is all we can wish for. Waiting between now and his birth, which is filled with so much uncertainty; the waiting between his birth and his surgeries and the waiting during his surgeries.

The waiting and the uncertainty is too much to handle sometimes.

I thank God more in a day than I probably swallow. We are so blessed to have the support and love everyone has shown. Truly truly blessed. I apologize if I seem irritated or annoyed at you for no reason. My mind is all over the place and I just can't seem to get back to me. In time I will. I just ask for patience. Please.

<3